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LET’s Laws (2016)

I am awaited in Valhalla

LET’s Religiosity Law #1 – “From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.”

LET’s Religiosity Law #2 – When someone starts a conversation by identifying themselves as a ‘Christian’, they are about to be an asshole.

LET’s Religiosity Law #3 – When a Christian reaches for their book to reference a quote… you know they are about to lie their ass off…

LET’s Religiosity Law #4 –The Universe is eternal. God(s) only last a couple of thousand years at best.

LET’s Religiosity Law #5 –If a bible verse furthers the cause, it is to be taken literally. If a bible verse is detrimental to the cause, it is either: taken out of context; is allegorical; refers to another verse somewhere else; is an ancient cultural anomaly; is a translation or copyist’s error; means something other than what it actually says; Is a mystery of god or not discernible by humans; or is just plain magic.

LET’s Religiosity Law #6 – Religious fools babble, when the unknown confounds them.

LET’s Religiosity Law #7 –Religio facit excaecant populum ad scientiam

LET’s Religiosity Law #8 – Cave ab homine unius libri

LET’s Religiosity Law #9 – Creationists are scientifically illiterate: “Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I’m told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this…retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You’re the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!” ~Ms. Garrison (SP 10.12)

LET’s Religiosity Law #10 –If you habitually spout off verses from your “holy” book to make whatever inane point you’re trying to make, with total disregard to the recipients’ beliefs or disbelief, and not once does it occur to you to question whether your book is accurate in the first place, then you are intellectually destitute.

LET’s Religiosity Law #11 – The highest form of ignorance… is one dumbass Christian telling another dumbass Christian that they are not really Christian… because (insert whatever dumbass thing they believe differentiates them from each other)…

LET’s Religiosity Law #12 – Dein haar muss riechen schrecklich … mit dem kopf in den arsch die ganze zeit …

LET’s Religiosity Law #13 – If you routinely ignore physics, geology, astronomy, biology, etc., and are happy with “god did it” then your science lobotomy was a success!

LET’s Religiosity Law #14 – If you think the bible is historical fact of the creation of the Universe, Earth or Mankind and believe without a doubt that some Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat of his flesh, drink of his blood, and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master; so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a sinful woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree! Then you are an award-winning retard.

LET’s Religiosity Law #15 – If Jesus came back today he would be shot in the head. That’s what you do to put down zombies; otherwise they eat your brains.

LET’s Religiosity Law #16 – If you habitually and incessantly say things like, “have a blessed day,” or “god bless,” or “prayer changes things,” or “amen,” without regard to the recipients’ beliefs or disbelief then be advised all I hear is “Heil Hitler!”

LET’s Religiosity Law #17 – If you must suspend disbelief to have “faith” that your particular religious delusion is real, then you are most definitely psychologically impaired and/or damaged and in need of some therapy/medication.

LET’s Religiosity Law #18 – If you believe any of the christian ass-clowns on television (or the radio) are “helping” you get closer to Jesus and not doing it to get your money, but also have the capacity to be shocked when their misdeeds/lies eventually come to light… well, you are an imbecile. This law is immutable.

LET’s Religiosity Law #19 – If you use words and phrases like: “Insert whatever whack-job, derived from a bible verse, comment they just made.” Then be aware that you have declared yourself a dumbass … and your opinion is categorized accordingly.

LET’s Religiosity Law #20 – The Patriots are the best football team in the NFL. This law cannot be impugned.